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God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

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Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

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Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

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The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

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A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

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I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

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Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I am not young enough to know everything.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

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They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

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It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

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When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

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The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

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There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

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He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

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Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

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How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

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As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

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Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

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If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

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[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

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The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

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Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

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Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

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C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The truth is more important than the facts.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

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Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

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Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

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Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

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Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

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If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

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It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

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